Rising Emotions and How to Let Them Move Through Me

The Story at the Fruit Stand

The Process of Honoring My Real Emotion

I’ve been digging into the source of the chronic pain. I’ve been experiencing disabling tension for over seven years. A general rule, that I’ve learned while exploring holistic health, is if a homeostatic healing is desired, emotional pain held inside the body most likely will be explored.

Some exploration happens in a form of a dream (or dreams). Some people learn to emote in talk therapy. Cleaning out old items in the home and moving them to a new home is a release mechanism for many. Healthy eating help many. Therapies that actually get people moving like yoga or running are a way of moving stagnant energy. Many use a combination of these. (I do link more helpful resources at the bottom of this post.)

Emotions rising and moving should not be ignored. I’m learning to listen, acknowledge and let them speak up to be heard! Action is required to allow them to move. As rising emotions like anger or guilt act up, I try to act quickly to replace the space with happy memories, beautiful things or specific words that harmonize with the body.

This is what the formula should be: Allow emotions out, acknowledge and learn from them, then return and allow the body to feel a sense of peace and fulfillment.

Assure it, with calm speaking, “it should all work out body”.

But what if the emotions aren’t moving?

What if they are stagnant and symptoms of emotional and bodily distress continue? What does one do with those emotions?

Tonight I am in so much pain that I can’t sleep, so I’m writing, hoping some of the anger will make it to the page and leave some of that moving anger out of me, so I can observe what is being held in my body.

My Intention In Writing Is:

“I would like to release the emotion that is creating the sensation of pain.”

In my website I link

The following story is not intended to be a guide of the “right” way of doing things. Additionally I pray that you do not make the assumption that I believe God works with us when we are angry. I know God works with me when I am aligned with His will. I am only trying to illustrate that we are human, and as we are interacting day to day, other humans seem to get in our way. What can we learn from them?

I believe this story is filled with waves of emotion, with the theme being, mercy.

My Anger Issues: Thank You, but NO Thank You

It is harvest time in the area where we live. I stopped by a fruit stand in the middle of town. There were about ten cars parked at the stand—on a Saturday right at noon. Peaches, plums, pears, watermelon and tomatoes are all in season. The smell of honeydew and cantaloupe melons filled the air, under the canopy, covering all of the fruit.

My toddler, Mae was with me. The space I was entering didn’t have space for a stroller. I actually like her toddling by my side (she’s my little buddy :), so she walked into the tent following me.

We had been to Scott’s baseball game all morning. The fruit stand’s location was on route home. It was noon and I hadn’t eaten lunch. I try to eat meals really consistently, if my blood sugar lowers it my anxiety gets high, quickly!

(You can read about my consistency in eating regular meals, chronic pain and the book that I have been reading about Complex PTSD in another blog post. The Implicit Message: Is Pain Trying to Teach Me Something?)

I had fed the only Lara Bar I had packed that morning, to Mae (my toddler). (Such is the life of a mother!)

I was hungry, wanting to buy some fruit, so I was hurrying around placing fruit in a big box that one of the employees had given me. Mae was assisting me. She was pulling peaches out of the baskets, that were close to the ground, then she would hand the fruit to me. She, in my opinion, the cutest thing! I adore how she loves to help and be by my side.

The fruit that I intended to set on top of my fruit collection box, were juicy-dripping nectarines. They were in a large box placed on the check out counter. Mae was behind me, as I finished filling my box. As I was ready to check out, I looked behind me for Mae. I hadn’t see her pulling a few pears, from a basket, moving them to another basket across the isle. In the middle of the transfer, she happened to drop a pear, and this crochety older women picked up a pear, quickly tossed it in the basket and scolded my baby (she 15 months),

“You shouldn’t be touching these, you’re costing these people money.”

(I think she was referring to the owner of the fruit stand.)

My beastly-PTSD- hungry-triggered fire came out in that very moment that I witnessed that exchange. Immediately I was enraged and fighting! I started yelling at her that I would parent my own child, thank you! And all these gastly things started running through my mind.

BUT, the women had already turned her back, and wasn’t paying attention to me.

I have enough training and therapy that I gave up the fight quickly. Anger is a bullet quick reaction when I am triggered.

I quickly looked around observing if anyone else was watching. The speakers under the canopy were playing music loud enough to drown out the words I had been using. I knew almost immediately that I was “angering”.

Angering is a word used when trying to work through the emotions that are presenting themselves as a result of a skewed or unwell childhood. (And angering should NOT be directed at someone, BUT should find a way out.)

In, what seemed to me perfect timing, I saw my husband walking toward me. He also was headed home from the baseball game that morning and saw our car parked at the fruit stand, and there he was! I was able to tell him the story and get the rest of my angry words out.

PLEASE, lady, or any other old person who wants to help, or give advice… You (may) have had your turn parenting. Now let me have mine.

Also the money thing; it is such a mindset of “the lack of”. It is a fear of going without. Which is so NOT what I want to learn from anyone. I would like to come into alignment with God so he may bless me now, and when I am in need.

I want to align with the goodness of the earth and receive what He has to give to me. So, GOOD HELL, don’t share your knowledge on what it is like to go without. It is not what I need, plus, it was one pear (and PEARS LITERALLY DO GROW ON TREES)!!!

Remember that trauma speaks if we want it to or not,

but it takes understanding our patterns and triggers to start to train the body how to stop.

It is also crucial, for healing, to speak out, at the right time. The skill needs to be honed. The timing aligned, that very day, that I could get my anger out! AND it DID NOT involve hurting or scaring anyone.

I told my husband immediately that I had been triggered by her and then I told him why I was so angry. It was my way to release, but it wasn’t hurtful to him (or anyone). He just laughed out loud and I laughed too. Then all five of us Curtis, our two boys, Mae and I, ate those juicy nectarines in the parking lot.

Later I remembered the dreams that I had the night before. I had been yelling at multiple men and women in their older age. Not sure what I was yelling, but I definitely have some anger to work through!

What HEAT Was Coming Out?

There is a concept that matches here. I learned about response, in a scientific concept called mirror neurons from Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. . Mirror neurons explain how we feed off of those around us.

It is a primitive response—like for like. An eye for an eye. You yell at me—I’ll yell at you!

The way I responded to this women was the same way that she had responded to me. She didn’t even look for me or for my response to her reaction. She reacted and went on with her day. I reacted and responded and with a spit fire attitude and continued to think about our interaction because it registered as hurtful to me. ¹

After other research and continued experiments “it became clear that mirror neurons explained many previously unexplainable aspects of the mind, such as empathy, imitation, synchrony, and even the development of language.” Van Der Kolk, Bessel, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Penguin Books 2014, pg 58 Without even moving or acting information is being received by the brain just through observing.))

Let’s take this into account while reflecting on my story. What were the mannerisms and language the oblivious women used?

She was stern.

She was short tempered and harsh.

She didn’t ever look towards me or think about my situation.

There was no eye contact made in the middle of this exchange.

No wonder the bolt of lightning hits me. I was mirroring her response. Giving her the same exchange that she gave me. My response was stern, bold and unapologetic.

(And I honestly didn’t think that my baby was doing anything wrong.)

But there was no humanizing involved in the exchange. It was almost and animalistic reaction of defense. Of course I didn’t see her for a human, because she never looked toward me, treating me with that respect.

Here are some of the other negative feelings that were possibly drawn out from me.

As I was turning, surveying the scene, she was picking up a pear that was laying four feet in front of me. It showed the suffering child inside of me that I wasn’t capable of doing it myself. Some one had to “aid” me, step in and rescue. Essentially it shows a lack of trust. To her it was compulsive reactivity. Not a big deal, but to me it was a sign that I couldn’t do it my way.

There wasn’t time for Mae to reach down and pick it up either.

This quick-impulsive action left a disconnect in the chain of human connection. Instead it sent the message that children aren’t capable of solving their small problems and proves that adults lack imagination in believing that there is more then one way of doing something.

We think we know it all. We’ve seen it all. What if we could just be a child again, relearning, rethinking everything? AND what if there was another way of doing things?

What if the women knew how to take the time to observe Mae, and let her correct her own mistake? Is there something to learn from a tiny little developing human?

I do realize that I was vulnerable that day. I was hungry, and I was in a hurry. The amygdala responded quickly, in a very animalistic way in order to keep my body safe.

And I also recognized quickly what was happening—that I wasn’t in control, so I walked away.

Moving Forward. What Can I Do?

What Role Is My Husband Playing?

Because these anger ups and downs are not new, I can feel that this on edge behavior can be exhausting to those close to me. They often don’t know what will bring the heat, or the what will bring up flashbacks. It takes strength and verbal tools and cues to stand next to someone dealing with PTSD symptoms.

I tried to communicate that day. As soon as I was out from under the fruit stand canopy I said to Curtis, “A lady over there made me so mad”. Then I told him all of things that had lit me up.

A few days later I sat down in the kitchen and I returned to Curtis to asked him, “Do you remember the day at the fruit stand when I was so mad at that lady? From your perspective, what role did you play?”

He responded, “I was your knight in shining armor:)”

It was a wonderful response to me, because everything did end in the-best-case-scenario situation that day.

Then, he let me know that if he would have seen me react in this way, he probably would have personally handled it differently. My husband is not one that would not storm into a confrontation. Had he seen me yell at her, he may have been embarrassed or have had a reaction to pull me away.

So again the timing worked, because after he had listened to my story at the fruit stand, he laughed and we ate a nectarines!

In the same conversation in the kitchen, he asked me if I could have had compassion or empathy for the women that day?

Amazing question, right? But I think in the moment there was only pain for me.

I felt shame.

I was unseen.

The switch went off and the amygdala sent a guarded response to protect me.

The Rewriting of the Story:

I have been working on this post for three weeks now. So I’ve had time to rethink how I my reaction attempted to confront that women. In the last three weeks, I have set a new purpose in my day to day interactions. I feel more alive face to face with someone, having a conversation while we are having a feeling of true connection. I’ll continue to write more about intentional living and healing from chronic illness in future blog posts, but here is a chart illustrating my purpose currently.

I always teach that purpose is not fixed. It can always be reevaluated and changed.

I can feel the power of change that is happening as I stimulate different parts of my brain, and retell a story that I would like to be true!

I believe in shifting. In rewiring old patterns and thinking of new ways of doing things. The only person’s perception³ that I can change is MINE. The influence that I have on ME will also impact my children. Remember the mirror neurons. The effect that mirroring has, I believe can change how my children respond to me. So again, the change starts with me.

Here is a shot at rewriting the story. (LIKE I SAID BEFORE, real human face to face interaction are what I’m trying to bring into my life more often.)

The New Story

We went to the fruit stand to buy my favorite fruit—peaches! They were in season, ripe, and I was hungry. I was hoping to buy some so I could go to my car and eat one and have enough energy to make it home to prepare lunch.

As Mae and I entered the fruit stand canopy and we were gathering fruit we interacted with about ten other adults that were also shopping. Do you know what the other shopper’s response was to Mae and myself?

“Oh she’s so cute.”

“Look at that blonde hair.”

“Wow, she’s busy.”

“I miss my babies.”

We were fed by attention, praise, and were recipients of the others’ positive memories.

When my fruit box was almost full, I was standing at the check out counter picking up the nectarines that I could see were dripping, they were so juicy. I saw a random older women (maybe in her 70’s) come up to the check out counter as well. She told the cashier that she had ordered 13 ears of corn. I think she expected that the corn would be bagged and ready for pick up. It wasn’t. She started walking around and shopping for corn. That is when she looked down saw Mae. She did not respond with the same approval and adoration that everyone else had. She told Mae not to drop pears on the ground and then she cleaned them up for her.

I wonder if she was hosting a dinner party that day. Thirteen ears of corn is a lot for one or two people. What had her day looked like? Is there a reason she had called ahead to order? Were her plans suddenly changed when the order was not ready? Was she adapting, like I have to adapt constantly (especially with children)! That task of adapting is not always easy!

As she responded to Mae and picked up the pears, I said “Thank you”. She didn’t hear. She was preoccupied, still looking around, and there was music that was playing through a loud speaker! I paid for the peaches and nectarines.

At the same time I was paying my husband walked up at the perfect time!! He carried the box full of peaches and nectarines to my car. (Which was amazing!!) My body doesn’t always work very well, and it increases my abdominal tension when I lift things that are too heavy!

I was so hungry and felt a sense of relief as I bit into the nectarine as the fruit juice started dripping down my hand. Mae begged for a bite! Her eyes lit up and she bounced as she tasted her first bite of nectarine (at least the first bite she could remember having)!

Getting the stagnant energy moving

Pretty boring story, right? But there is another point that is important to make before I wrap this whole scenario up.

When the human body has been vacillating between isolation, “disassociation” and “fight or flight” for so long. Expressing and reacting with anger as a response helps the body feel alive again.

(I define disassociation at the bottom of this post: Digging into Depression, Productively.)

Anger starts to get things moving. Feeling anger is helpful as adrenaline feeds the body with usable fuel. BUT is the next point that I’m trying to make is: learning to direct anger in a productive direction is a next step.

I was actually so grateful for the anger coming out. I’ve felt so disinterested and apathetic for so long. But the BONUS of the fruit stand encounter, the circumstances created a safe place for me not to be seen, or heard, or hurtful.

I’ve spend years discovering how I can create a safe atmosphere within my marriage. Attachment and trust were not a part of my story. It is something that I’ve learned to feel into. Somatic Experiencing ⁴ has been an interesting work for me to research and personally relate to.

Here’s an example of using the body as a therapeutic tool: As I returned to my car I picked up a ripe nectarine off the top of the box full of fruit.

I asked my husband if he wanted one too. Then the baby started begging. My brain was still firing insults and anger daggers to the older women. But, I could smell that freshly picked nectarine. I stopped and took a couple of bites. I noticed the sweet taste nectarine and how the tart juice made my throat sting. Before taking a bite, I could already see that the juice dripping off the side. It felt cold and refreshing like an iced drink on a hot afternoon. The taste was true what I remember a nectarine tasting like. I could feel the juice running down my fingers, hand and then my arm.

This simple act of eating something familiar brought me back to the present. I used four of the five senses by simply eating fruit; this helped me return to my body. After I took a few bites, I fed some to Mae. Then I asked Curtis if he wanted one. I asked if the boys would like one. (They were still sitting in the other car.) Then I was able to recover and laugh.

Laughing can also help the body out of a dysregulated state. Curtis’ humor and his ability to lighten the mood, usually always pulls me back into a place where I can make a decision to make a step forward and move out of lower states of sadness. (It takes a strong person to stand by your side in these situations.)

The last point I want to add. Human connection will and always will be a healer. With Mae by my side, we had a 90% positive interaction exchange at the fruit stand that day. This is a pretty damn good percentage!

If I choose to see the small things, things like eye contact, giving compliments, holding doors open, and laughing together. Then my nervous system will learn to engage. It will recognize safety. It will open its eyes to see the beauty again.

In short. I welcome into my body energy again. Even if it was angry energy.

When gentle movement of energy is invited in, that is a small step to regulation. To be in a state of parasympathetic regulation is a goal that I have everyday. This is a state that living intentionally is the most beautiful process and it feels safe to dream again.

References, Resources and Definitions

• Parasympathetic Regulation: The autonomic nervous system’s state of being in the present. Sarah Baldwin is one of my favorite teachers that has taught me about this state where safety and mindfulness can happen.

• This YouTube video by Emma McAdams gives an explanation to some of the circumstances resolved in my story. This video also links to more resources.

• Healthy releasing strategies: This free class offered by Anna Runkle, how to let some of the stagnant or stuck resentment out. (Remember in my dreams I had been yelling.)

• A book that has taught me healthy “Angering” is Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker. I highly recommend this read. I think it can apply to everyone.

For More Resources

1. In his book “The Body Keeps the Score” this is what he wrote about this concept. It was an “accidental discovery…the researchers had attached electrodes to individual neurons in a monkey’s premotor area, then set up a computer to monitor precisely which neurons fired when the monkey picked up a peanut or grasped a banana. At one point an experimenter was putting food pellets in to a box when he looked up at the computer. The monkey’s brain cells were firing at the exact location where the motor command neurons were located. But the monkey wasn’t eating or moving. He was watching the researcher, and his brain was vicariously mirroring the researcher’s actions.” Van Der Kolk, Bessel, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Penguin Books 2014, pg 58[↩]
2. Petersen, Cami, Guide For Intentional Living: Updated Intention September 2022 Image, 2022 [↩]
3. More about Perception: Perceptual theorists believe that it is not the specifics of the real world that determine one’s reactions to it or behaviors in it, but rather one’s perceptions of that world. In that each person perceives some things as others do, there will be commonalities in human behavior. In that each person also perceives some things in unique ways, there will be individual differences among people.” -Albert Ellis credit

   “If we understand the differences in perceiving we shall go far in understanding the differences in the resulting behavior. The relation between the outer world and the individual is gravely misconstrued by the assumption that this world registers upon us all in about the same way, that the real differences between people are differences in what is done about this world. The contemporary point of view…has involved emphasis upon the basic notion that every individual lives in a more or less ‘private world’…; there is no standard objective world except through our slow yielding to a rather painful compromise process.” -Gardner Murphy Source:Edited by: Kaplan, Harold M.D., Sadock, Benjamin M.D. Comprehensive Textbook of Psychiatry/V Volume One Fifth Ed. Williams and Wilkins, 1989, pg 445[↩]

4. Somatic therapy is a form of body-centered therapy that looks at the connection of mind and body and uses both psychotherapy and physical therapies for holistic healing. In addition to talk therapy, somatic therapy practitioners use mind-body exercises and other physical techniques to help release the pent-up tension that negatively affects a patient’s physical and emotional wellbeing.

   Practitioners of somatic therapy address what they see as a split between the body. Instead, they believe mind and body are intimately connected, though not always in apparent ways. Thought, emotions, and sensations are all believed to be interconnected and influence one another. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/somatic-therapy[↩]