Rewiring and Rewriting a Story

This is an excerpt from a blog post that I wrote in the fall of 2022. I came back to it this week, to refine it, and share additional thoughts about awareness and self responsibility. I believe that our understanding begins to evolve and widen as we look into our our story. This blog post is kicked off with the following story:

It is harvest time

in the area where we live. I stopped by a fruit stand in the middle of town. There were about ten cars parked at the stand—on a Saturday at noon. Peaches, plums, pears, watermelons and tomatoes are all in season. The smell of honeydew and cantaloupe melons filled the air, under the canopy that covers all of the fruit.

My toddler, Mae was with me, but the space I was entering didn’t have room for a stroller. I actually like her toddling by my side (she’s my little buddy :), so she walked into the tent following me.

We had been to Scott, my oldest son’s, baseball game all morning. The fruit stand’s location was on route home. It was lunch time and I hadn’t eaten for hours. I try to eat meals really consistently. If my blood sugar lowers it my anxiety gets high, real quick!

(You can read about my consistency in eating regular meals to lower the stress response in the body in another blog post: The Implicit Message: Is Pain Trying to Teach Me Something?)

My Anger Issues

I had fed the only Lara Bar I had packed that morning, to Mae (my toddler). (Such is the life of a mother!)

I was hungry and wanted to buy some fruit, so I was hurrying around picking some out. I wanted to purchase them quickly, so I could go eat a fresh snack, to get my blood sugar up. During the process of me loading a big box up, Mae was assisting me by pulling peaches out of the baskets and handing them to me. There were baskets full of peaches, close to the ground. She, in my opinion, is the cutest thing! I adore how she loves to help and be by my side.

The fruit that I intended to set on top of my fruit collection box, were juicy-dripping nectarines. I had breathing in their aroma and been eyeing them the whole time I was at the stand. They needed to go in the box last, or else they would have quickly been bruised. They were that ready to eat.

These nectarines were waiting for me, in a large box, placed on the check out counter. I walked over to them and began to place nectarines in the box–gently, one at a time. Mae was behind me, as I was attempting to finish my task. During this process that only took a twenty seconds, I looked behind me for Mae. I hadn’t see her pulling a few pears, from a basket, moving them to another basket across the isle. In the middle of the transfer, she happened to drop a pear, and this crochety older women picked up a pear, quickly tossed it back into the basket and scolded my baby (she 15 months),

“You shouldn’t be touching these, you’re costing these people money!” She snarled.

(I think she was referring to the owner of the fruit stand.)

My beastly-hungry-triggered fire came out in that very moment as I witnessed this exchange. Immediately I was enraged and fighting! I started yelling at her that I would parent my own child, thank you! And all these gastly things started running through my mind.

BUT, the women had already turned her back, and wasn’t paying attention to me.

Anger is a bullet-fire quick reaction when I am triggered! I have had enough training, and therapy, that I gave up that firery-fight energy, towards her, quickly.

As soon as I realized what was happening, I looked around observing if anyone else was watching. The speakers under the canopy were blasting out music loud enough to drown out the words I had been using. I knew almost immediately that I was “angering”.

Angering is a word used when trying to work through the emotions that are presenting themselves as a result of a skewed or unwell childhood. (And angering should NOT be directed at someone, BUT should find a way out.)

In, what seemed to me perfect timing, I saw my husband walking toward me. We hadn’t been together when I first started shopping. He had his own car and was headed home from the baseball game at the same time. He had seen our car parked at the fruit stand, and there he was! I was able to tell him the story and get the rest of my angry words out.

This is what my fight energy said:

“PLEASE, lady, or any other old person who wants to help, or give advice… You (may) have had your turn parenting. Now let me have mine!”

Also the money comment, really made me mad! It is such a mindset of “the lack of”. It is a fear of going without. Which is so NOT what I want to learn from anyone. I would like to come into alignment with God so he may bless me now, and when I am in need.

I want to align with the goodness of the earth and receive what He has to give to me. So, GOOD HELL, don’t share your knowledge on what it is like to go without. It is not what I need, plus, she dropped one pear, which I could have paid for, (and PEARS LITERALLY DO GROW ON TREES)!!!

Trama Healing

Trauma occurs if our internal system is overwhelmed and there is not a release or a way to discharge the energy that an event creates.

Unresolved trauma speaks, or surfaces if we want it to or not,

but it takes understanding our patterns and triggers to start to train the body how to redirect so we don’t hurt anybody. ¹

The specific fight energy that I was experiencing was primarily to protect my child. Fierce mama bear fight. It’s an instinct. These instincts are not wrong! They are to protect ourselves and our young. But in this specific story I knew that there were underlying triggers as well!

What I am trying to put a name to, is the feeling that

I am not seen.

These underlying emotions of not being seen, are heartbreaking. It is important to know that my feelings of not being seen began in my childhood. I expand more on the effects of early childhood environment and how it plays a role in our lives in this post: How to Parent Yourself

In our early years, when we are not seen, we loose access to love, attunement, and often safety. It threatens our very vital attachments.

In this story that I’ve shared, the most triggering thing to me was that the woman never looked at me. I’m curious if she ever wondered–does this child have a mother?

With Curtis showing up in that very moment, when I was struggling with not being seen, I was able to tell him why I was so angry! I believe that my angry words told a bigger story.

If I had the chance I would have said: PLEASE, lady, LOOK AT ME! IF you would like to help or give advice make eye contact with the person that you are scolding!

It is my child who dropped the pear! I am responsible!

Please allow me be the parent to my child!!

As I reflected, I remembered the dreams that I had the night before. I had been yelling at multiple men and women in their older age. Not sure what I was yelling, but I definitely have some anger to work through!

Without the electric charge, the message would more clearly be:

A note to those who think that parenting should be a breeze: It isn’t. And in the midst of the tears and the scraped knees and the days of friend betrayals–it is ok. It is ok to fall down. It is ok to make mistakes. The important thing is that we try again. Please, let my beautiful child, who is in the most tender stage of the developmental process, pick up the pear and carry it to her mom. It would take 30 seconds, but those 30 seconds could offer a moment of attuned connection.

There are parts of me that still feel unseen. This is where the triggered reaction of fighting back comes from. When we connect in small-simple ways with our caregivers when we are young there is possibility to create a secure attachment with them. That security leads to feelings of safety and a felt sense of safety and love.

The fighting expression of yelling is a direct call: “Hey [caregiver}, pay attention to me! All I want is connection, because that love brings security and a source of love!”

Take Aways

I don’t care for the stranger that created a trigger for me in this story. I’ve never met her before. I haven’t seen her again. She has never seen my face. But she showed up for me in a very specific way.

As I’ve been writing, I see more clearly the kind of person that I want to be. That experience has brought clarity. I want to be kind, and allow others space to make mistakes.

It has encouraged me to understand attachment more deeply. Eye contact and body language are crucial pieces of attachment and connection through neuroception. ²

Lastly, this lady wasn’t parenting me. I’m an adult and I no longer need parenting, but what I need it to build more capacity to feel empathy for those around me, including myself. And with this teaching, I am so grateful.

That women at the fruit stand had a story. She had hard times. Possibly she had a harsh speaking parent that didn’t see her intentions clearly. So today I send her all the love.

I am only in charge of my personal story and how I steward it.

If you are desiring to look deeper into your own personal story, because of the ways you strongly react in certain situations, I would encourage you to read this blog post: How to Parent Yourself

Additionally, I have linked directories to share professionals that could support an individual to create self awareness out of their triggered responses. I have linked them here:

I encourage you to listen the emotions that you are feeling as you read this story. Comment below some of those emotions! I would love to read what you are feeling!

As I continue growing, thank you for your support!

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Hi, I’m Cami

Creator of this blog of a wife and a mother of three.

I began blogging to ultimately share the power that writing can provide as we seek healing. Whether that healing sought is physical or emotional, there nuggets of wisdom in each of our individual stories.

Thank you for joining me, and I hope that you will share some of your own personal story with me as you are prompted with questions. With all my love for a meaningful healing journey for you!

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References, Resources and Definitions

• This YouTube video by Emma McAdams gives an explanation to some of the circumstances resolved in my story. This video also links to more resources.

• Healthy releasing strategies: This free class offered by Anna Runkle, how to let some of the stagnant or stuck resentment out. (Remember in my dreams I had been yelling.)

• A book that has taught me healthy “Angering” is Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA by Pete Walker. I highly recommend this read. I think it can apply to everyone.

1. The original blog post was written in the September 2022. I have edited it since then to make the content more digestable.[↩]
2. Neuroception is a subconscious process through which our nervous system detects and evaluates cues of safety, danger, or threat in our environment.
   https://www.futurelearn.com/info/courses/trauma-neuro-and-shame-awareness/0/steps/392676#:~:text=Neuroception%20is%20a%20subconscious%20process%20through%20which%20our,of%20safety%2C%20danger%2C%20or%20threat%20in%20our%20environment.[↩]