Stepping Away From Family In a Way to Disrupt Old Ways
Roots and Truth
Finding My Place: Breaking Generational Patterns
Recently I created a YouTube video that shares the story of my experience as I stopped talking to my mom.
I am a 39 year old mother of three, and after giving birth to my third child my struggle with mental illness felt so real!
I took some cues from life. I noticed what was triggering me in my daily life.
Then I used my knowledge from all the therapy I had done. As I put all of this information together, it became clear that I was still following some of the same psychological patterns that I had followed as a child. 1
We had a baby girl in 2021. About a year after her birth, in 2022, I thoughtfully took a step back from my mom to sort out some of the impressions I had had about my behavior. This step was intentional.
It was not only for me, but for my husband and children. My chronic health issues impact them as well as myself.
Childhood Responsibility
In this video I describe a common scenario where in my childhood I would be asked to help my grandma because she “needed” our help. Additionally being the second of six children I was left with my younger siblings often when my parents went out to do their duties, or went out of town.
In the video I stated that, “It was not my job”.
But I stepped into that role. I took on these responsibilities and did them dutifully.
It continued a cycle of parentification.
Parentification occurs when a child takes on roles and responsibilities that belong to parents or adults. The parent-child dynamic reverses, and the child becomes the caretaker—emotionally, practically, or both. 2
Stepping Back and the “One-Up” Trap
As an adult, I decided to step back from this “role” that I had been playing.
This decision was made after I had invited my mom into conversation around why I was wounded, and tell some of the stories that really hurt me.
In my preparation process to start these conversations, I was going to approach her with all the information that I had gathered in therapy and in books.
I had this “one up” mentality with my mother. In my mind I simply thought, “I know better than her, maybe I can get her to see what I have discovered, and help her out.”
Both “parentification” and this “one up”: mentality are not harmonious ways of living in a family.
I come to this statement with remorse and sadness, because in order to heal. I needed to let this “helper” or “savor” mentality go.
This role was not mine.
Understanding the Family Hierarch
Bert Hellinger was a German psychotherapist who created the Family Constellations program. In his work becoming the parent’s right hand man, or counselor (emotional parentification) is a violation to the hierarchy. 3
The hierarchical order: “…in the family there are some who are higher and come first, and others who are lower and come after them. The order of precedence is determined by the time of belonging. Those who were once a member of the family take precedence over those who came after them. Thus, the parents come before their children, the first-born child before the second, and so on.” 4
In this hierarchical order, it is the parent‘s job to teach their children values, and how to set boundaries, and how to value yourself so you’re available to contribute to society.
As a mother of three and a wife, I came to this crossroads where I’ve taken on way too many roles.
After years of therapy and trying to heal my chronic mental illness, I don’t regret that I stepped back. In the video I shared that I did it politely–I knew I hadn’t figured all the emotional stuff out!!
The Cost of the “Savior” Mentality
My parents made a lot of choices as I was being raised. I was raised with work ethic. They shared a basis of spirituality in my home. My small home town was a place of refuge and physical safety.
But I was also raised with this mentality of “ there are so many people that we need to save”.
The hypervigilance that can follow this mentality, contributes to a dysregulated nervous system, which contributes to chronic illness.
As I hold the truth of these concepts, I really appreciated the following quote provided by the Hellinger Institute:
“This isn’t about blaming your parents—it’s about releasing yourself from a role that was never developmentally appropriate.
in everyday life, ‘I forgive you’ is often seen as something positive. But in a constellation, we also sense the energy of the position behind the words.
“I forgive you” can place one person above the other, as if one has the authority to grant or withhold something.
“I take responsibility for my part and leave you with yours.” 5 Would be a better way to separate your situation from theirs. It is a way of speaking towards the enmeshment that may be going on.
I Didn’t Have to Meet with Mom to Break the Cycle
Stepping away, was a decision that I made to STOP old patterns.
As I stand back now, I can see that as I stepped into the old patterns that I was placed within my childhood role. This is a role that I believe that I was developed patterned after my mother. As I review, I think that it was actually a respectful action to take to take some time to step away to recognize these patterns.
Recording this video is incredibly healthy for me. When I hit record, I didn’t have an agenda. I just started speaking. My statement was, “It wasn’t my job”, hopefully came out clearly. I believe I was primed to be a helper or savior to my parents and grandparents (as well as others).
I was validated when I read another blog post that stated very clearly,
“The great discovery [is]: your parents didn’t need you to save them” 6
I have found much healing in the spaces of those that are trained to sit with me through uncomfortable statements such as, “Mom, it wasn’t my job.”
I don’t actually say this to my mom’s face, rather, I take it to therapy. The therapeutic modality that I have used is called Narrative Informed Trauma Care. In this process, I have shared personal stories and the therapist or coach on the other end have been a witness to these stories.
What I’m Currently Curious About
As you read this blog post, do you believe that a lot of the ways that we adapted as children, we did so in order to be valued, accepted and taken care of?
If your child has stepped away from you, what have you done to bring them back?
And is it my role to build a bridges with my parents and siblings?
Thank you for your thoughts!
Sincerly,
Additional Reading:
Resources
Narrative Informed Trauma Care
- Early childhood experiences are important to remember and review when dealing with chronic health issues. In my experience, my personal memories have come when I am ready to receive them. The brain has an amazing feedback loop, that combined with universal forces that will help us remember.[↩]
- https://familyconstellationseurope.com/the-child-who-became-responsible-too-soon-family-systems-invisible-loyalties/[↩]
- The second basic principle of life, the order of precedence, demands that everyone in the family take their rightful place, which is theirs alone. This order of precedence is a hierarchical order. https://www.hellinger.com/en/familienstellen/basic-orders-of-life/2nd-basic-order-hierarchy/[↩]
- https://www.hellinger.com/en/familienstellen/basic-orders-of-life/2nd-basic-order-hierarchy/[↩]
- https://www.hellingerinstitute.com/soul-sentences-in-family-constellations/[↩]
- https://www.constelandoelorigen.com/en/articulos/hijos-parentales-cargar-peso-adulto[↩]
