More About Me and The Process of Cleaving

An Introduction

I’m learning. I’m applying what I learn. Feelings are coming, I’m learning how to feel.

It’s raw. it’s human. It’s beautiful and painful, embarrassing and it’s graced with an all encompassing embrace.

I am learning and today, this is how I feel.

Key words and Understanding

For the first time in a while, I am hopeful that I can be relieved from some of my suffering and chronic pain. I’m really working through some difficult things (for me) right now.

I’ve been cutting things out that don’t feel good to me. Through this process I’m remembering a scripture passage in Genesis, that reads:

The next verse talks about nakedness, and availability of a feeling that doesn’t accompany shame¹.

To be one without shame, what a victory! Probably won’t happen, because I’m a member of humanity…but it’s something worth pursuing. But how?

As I am questioning these two verses of script, and processing how they apply to me I’ve recorded some of my story here in this post.

Years ago, my husband and I received a message that we needed, from a mentor. He taught us something that resonated with both of us. He asked us to think of the word “Cleave”. (Remember the passage in Genesis?) Then he pointed out the irony between the meaning.

They’re opposing definitions. But they both apply to this idea to evaluate internal thought patterns, family systems, cultural expressions—whatever it may be in an individuals’ life, to become closer to those who they want to “adhere” to or cling to.

Continuing in Genesis the next verse states:

Putting this verse into context:

In the teachings in Genesis, Adam and Eve (the first of God’s children here on earth) were still in the presence of God, living with God, with a human body. They were pure, innocent and did not have growth through their human experience yet.

But if they had no shame in their body, and they were living with God, does that mean if I grow closer to God, that my shame can slowly be removed too?

To link the two ideas:

If I feel less shame. If I feel more pleased with who I am, as a human being with a body, can that impact how I cling to my spouse as well?

This is the part of my story where I started questioning social and family systems. I was leaning into an idea that “God is in the details” and he knows how to care for me, as I walked away from many cultural ideas.

This spiritual belonging (allowing God to be inside of me and aligned with me) feels like a connection I am desiring. (I share more of that story of connection in this blog post: Healing From My Birth Trauma Experience.)

The personal pain, that I am currently experiencing, is a contrasting feeling to what I believe He would want me to embody, if I happened to be aligned with his spiritual whisperings designed uniquely for me.

More of My Story

I was one year postpartum with Weston, my second child, when Curtis (my husband) brought to my attention the work of Anthony William. If you aren’t familiar with Anthony William, he is a spiritual teacher that primarily focuses on educating on diet and supplementing to heal chronic health conditions.

(I found resonance to what he was teaching about viruses and bacteria. I reference a lot of his work as I am spiritually and physically trying to heal from my illnesses.)

You can read more about my extreme blood sugar issues, my thyroid dis-ease, and my body deteriorating in the middle of this post: The Beginning of My Health Journey

After reading Anthony William’s work, I changed my diet again. (I had been eating a strict Paleo Diet the previous year.) I changed with hope that my body could release the harmful disease creating my illness so I could start feeling better. With his instruction, I started eating mostly raw fruits and vegetables.

I think it is important to note, that without any physical strength and stamina, plus living in a body that was constantly in pain, I was in a desperate place. I was willing to give up just about anything to receive resonance in my body again.

Remember the word, cleave: to cut and separate? At this time I had to cut old ideas out.

• I cut out old ideas from my previous study of nutrition.
• I cut out food that resembled food that I had previously eaten.
• I cut out extra activities, outside of my house.

I stayed home where I felt safe. In order to do so, I started cutting out many of my extended family as well. I didn’t want them to see the burned-out, and in pain, angry sister I was becoming.

Here is the beauty from my experimental season.

When the body is being fueled primarily by water, vitamins and minerals it resembles returning to a purer state of living—a spiritual idea of entering back into to the Garden of Eden (noting there was no processed or even cooked food in the origional garden.) I had removed so many things that I personally used to eat and view, then I added a constant stream of nutrients.

And the results were Godlike.

I can tell you, having done this type of immersion, that the effect food has on our mental health is real!

When the body receives that right fuel, the neurons throughout the body communicate and resonate with connection. (Through this cleanse I consumed more vitamins and minerals in one month than I ever had before.) Minerals fuel the neurons and the neurons are conductors for communication!

Through eating this way, I discovered my mind was clear and free. I was able to feel into emotions that I had never put a name to before.

With such a concentrated mineral load, I was thinking clearly again. Not all thoughts were pleasant though. This was “cleaving” time as well. My body wanted to be removed from some of the emotional weight I was carrying.

I kept thinking about my doctor who had delivered Scott, my first son, and it made me so angry. It was such a destructive memory, and was destroying a key to freedom inside of me. (You can read more about Scott’s delivery in this post.)

Everyday I felt a wave of sadness surrounding Scott’s birth, I would say this as I directed my thoughts to the doctor, “I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive.” I wanted nothing more than to move on from the emotional suffering. It seemed like it was out of my control! What was done is done.

Logically I knew this, but, I was feeling angry, and these angry feelings were moving through my body with a sense of internal shaking.

After careful planning, and planning sessions with my husband I ate a raw diet for 28 days. A WHOLE FOUR WEEKS. Yes, it was a food plan that Anthony William had introduced to me. I wanted to see how my body would respond—ultimately I wanted to heal! As I ate raw foods, I became my own personal lab rat through my own spiritual human experiment.

I had loads of contrasting information before I entered this experiment. I had been to medical specialists. “Inflammation” was the only answer I had received. After multiple dead ends and after having blood test returned and additional investigative tests with no answers to the underlying issue I tried the immersive diet route.

Additionally, I was taking a thyroid medication to treat my under-active thyroid. To read more about the beginning of the story, reference this is the post.

Answers Received

After 28 days of only inviting in raw fruits and vegetables, I started introducing baked sweet potato into my diet. Then I started eating baked potatoes. A week later I ate a slice of antibiotic-free, nitrate-free turkey everyday. And I slowly started adding other foods back in.

But, I had been stretched. It had challenged my body in ways that resulted in constriction (tightening as a result from the stress). That is when the tendonitis in my hips started ruling my life.

The struggle to walk was real! Emotional pain was a stressor. After this experience, I started to receive answers through spiritual thought. For the first time ever, I felt that the pain in my body was linked to spirituality, and I started listening, and I started to understand that the pain was trying to teach me something.

After my 28 day cleanse I miraculously received a contrasting gift of physical healing. My muscles began to grow and repair. The minerals that I had consumed were healing damaged nerves that had created my fibromyalgia. Through this healing my nerves tingled for weeks. It was physically uncomfortable. It felt like needles pricking.

But as the nerve damage healed, the muscles began to grow—they had the communication channel again! I gained 10 pounds in muscle, in five weeks following my cleanse!

Spiritual Healing

Let me back-track again and tell you what was going on in my home.

At the same time I was doing my cleanse I had two little kids by my side. A four year old smart-stubborn-little man, and a cute toddler that has just started walking. I was in a hectic-energetgetic stage of life with young boys.

Scott, my oldest was challenging me. He was reacting to all the change happening in our lives. During this time frame, from four to five, I had three therapists that I was seeing regularly, to help me navigate this stage. One of the therapists I received advice from, lived across the street from me. She was semi-retired at the time. So I saw her home during the days on a regular basis.

One day, just after I had finished my 28 days of raw eating, I passed my therapist mentor, Bena on the street. I stopped and talked to her for a few minutes. She could see how thin I was (I was aware of this as well) and she wanted to help me.

Bena has a bold, unhindered way with the way she speaks. That day I remember her telling me that I had an image issue. I thought she was alluding to an eating disorder. This didn’t make sense to me!?! AND, I knew I was way too thin.

I denied it, dismissed it, and walked away.

And then spiritual answer came.

Later in the day I was out in the back yard squatting as I pulled a few weeds. (Our family was growing a small garden.) As I was checking on its growth and pulling weeds, I heard the whisper.

“You have an image issue because you don’t know who you are. You don’t know the intimacy and closeness that you are allowed to have with your body. This love that you were never taught to explore. You are a stranger in your own body.”

Even writing this now, I feel the truth in what I received that day. I desired to be pure, and that is what God desires for me too. The purity of Adam and Eve. The closeness to God that is void of shame.

The load hit me. This was far beyond an image issue.

The KEY word that I had received was INTAMACY.

Through an analogy, I see the scenario in my past, as a perfect strawberry shortcake stack of violation layered together by getting married young, with out knowing my body. Then conceiving when I didn’t expect to conceive. Topped with a big dollop of thick whipped cream birth trauma that created so much heaviness inside of me.

That was a heavy piece of cake placed in front of me—and I had a load work to do! I was definitely served up a situation in which I would have to learn to cleave. (Using both definitions. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, scroll up and read the definition of “cleave” again!) Some actionable steps needed to be in place as I started consuming these extremely delicate-large bites of cloudy change.

I wrote about this experience years ago. When things were raw and fresh. Writing it down helped enhance the experience. I believe I learned a lot more from the experience as I wrote. Pouring my story out on a pad of paper is how I moved forward with my healing during those months that followed my spiritual awakening.

Louise Hay’s work was given to me by a mentor in this same year. Louise does a great job at explaining the body’s connection to emotion and respecting the thoughts that show up through our personal pain.

I was being taught through listening to her talks (that were originally recorded on cassette tapes but now can be found on YouTube) and through reading her books. She’s big into positive affirmations. As I applied what I was learning, I repeated to myself time and time again:

“I am a sexual being. I am comfortable being in my own body. I have creativity beyond what I know.”

It was interesting because once I started connecting with my body again I started inhabiting it then my body’s structure started to return.

I was saying these things to change belief, and slowly began believing that these words really were true.

I started reading about physical intimacy. I asked mentors and neighbors, that I was comfortable with, about their relationship with their body. But I still remember hiding whatever book I was reading about the subject, when my husband walked in.

I don’t know why shame was so evident. It was so far up in my face I could have given it a name, and stuffed my mouth full with it! But even with this knowledge, I still didn’t know what to do with these feelings.

Giving These Feelings a Name…

The definition of “intimacy” begged me to ask more questions.

• Do I know myself, well enough, to give my body the care it needs?
• Do I live with my creativity shining through?
• Do I know how to internally speak to myself in kind, loving, calming ways?
• Do I know how to move my body so it can work through feelings and move me to a space that feels safe?

Through my study, I now recognize that intimacy in not as much about sexuality, but more about personal awareness and knowingly, not ignoring, what feelings and physical actions are teaching. ³

I now see that personal intimacy affects the relationships I am having with my spouse, partner, children, parents, siblings ect…

After I went through my HUGE learning curve, I sporadically started speaking to my husband about my feelings. Because of his upbringing, I don’t think he could relate to what I was saying all of the time. This was hard for me too, because I was opening up and sharing, but sometimes I felt like the language I was using wasn’t received.

I also knew that it would take time. I invited him to read a few books with me. We did a lot of reading together, but everything changed and became real when he was asked to work from home full-time in the spring of 2020.

My Complex PTSD symptoms started showing when we were asked to stay home to avoid spreading the virus that was circulating. My physical reaction to this situation were scary. My body was responding in ways it hadn’t reacted before. Not only was I in pain, but I felt my privacy being invaded too. I didn’t have the nine hours a day to “escape” or “avoid” my relationships like I had previously.

It was hard to not have my own space during the day. Being a stay at home mom, when the kids were at school I was used to having time for self care. I often used sleep as an escape. But now there was another adult at home—all of the time.

I leaned into what I knew about somatic therapy at the time. If my body when into a “true state a freeze” (this usually feels like an anxiety attack) then I would curl up and hold myself in a ball until the feeling would pass. This felt safe to me. The fetal position was a space of self comfort.

Because I couldn’t hide for hours anymore. I needed to start explaining how I was feeling, my husband was home so now HE witnessed what was actually happening to my body.

At the time when the whole world workspace shifted, and Curtis started working from home, I didn’t know what to do about my symptoms. I had been to the doctor, again, no signs of anything. I was well therapised. And I was still doing therapy (over Zoom). I tried going to an AAA group, but of course that had switched so the meetings could be held over Zoom. (I wasn’t interested in connecting that way. I wanted to see real people, and have face to face connection, especially through the initial meeting.)

So I started talking. I started sharing my real feelings. Things that were hard to share.

It was hard to say, “I am not happy in this marriage,” while tears are rolling down my cheeks.

It was a shifting place for both of us. And we clearly could see that we still had a loads of change ahead.

More About the Somatic Therapy Approach

There are two ways of regulating (or returning to a safe place) that are taught in somatic experiencing. Number one, Self regulation. When the person knows what they need to regulate, and work towards healthy ways of returning to a safe place.

Number two, co-regulation. Using another as you feel into a space of safety. Examples of co-regulation: talking to a friend, receiving a hug, sitting with and stroking an animal, like a cat or a dog.

It is important to learn how to use both. Our human experience is full and vibrant as we invite others into our special space!

Next I Took Small Actionable Steps

The first thing I did was buy an AAA booklet that I wanted to work through. After I bought the book considered doing the process by myself. I knew it would work better if someone held me accountable.

I am a private swim teacher by trade. One of the moms of my previous swimmers is a therapist. I called her and asked her if she would mentor me through my AAA workbook. She agreed.

If I was suck on a step, or didn’t understand how to move through my feelings I would call her and ask her questions. I made sure to update her on my progress. She was generous with her time and I trusted her.

Curtis made changes too. He recognized that there was a different role that he needed to play. He started leading conversations about how he felt about the changes that were being made in our home. Our conversations changed. They became more flexible, as we honored what the other was saying.

It is important to mention that he felt the pressure of my condition. It often weighed him down too. He didn’t know how to navigate all of the change.

The next seismic shift that happened in our marriage, was a positive pregnancy test! We realized this in August of 2020. Wow, this was a happy little surprise; a welcome gift! (I’ll share more of that story another time!!)

Do you remember in grade school when a captain of a team was appointed? The captain’s job was to select players to join their kickball team, or dodgeball team (or whatever team depending on the game you were playing).

Pregnancy quickly put me into a captain role again, AND I choose to have Curtis on my team. I was the captain and I was happy to select him the first teammate.

Why? Because I had been telling him MY truth, and he believed me.

Remember the Word “Cleave”

I don’t think that I’m alone when I think of the spring in 2020 and I remember seeing so many things literally “cleaved” out of our lives in one week. And then, our family was asked to stick together.

During these extremes we all had to face tension that may have been accumulating, but weren’t going to topple over unless poked. Staying home all day with everyone for the first time was a challenge for all of us in our household!

As I summarize this story, I think about the resilience that was also building. I can now look back and see this beneficial change.

Working through my AAA book surprisingly helped heal the wounds created from the trauma that happened during my first son’s birth. (You can read more his birth in this post.) It helped me put a name to my shame and stop hiding from it or only resorting to an angry victim.

As I became more self aware, talking to my husband about how I was really feeling was crucial to getting him on my team.

Then having a surprise-gifted pregnancy was life changing for everyone involved. And through all of these things I have more clarity. That’s what believing you body does—it provides the gift of clarity that helps clear shame.

I found out about my pregnancy in August 2020. Although it was welcome, I didn’t know physically how I would pass through pregnancy. I was still experiencing extreme chronic pain, indigestion and bloating.

In spite of all of that, we consciously chose to be hopeful throughout the pregnancy. I gave birth our happy baby girl, unmedicated (might I add) in April of 2021.

Resources and Additional Information

Somatic: relating to the body, especially as distinct from the mind. ⁵

My personal example of using emotions relating to the body is rolling up in a ball and holding myself in a fetal position. This felt “safe” to my body.

Learning about Somatic Experiencing®⁶ has been a blessing for me this past year. It was something that I could feel into—but with the training I feel alive!

The following are resources for this specific biological approach of healing.

• A directory to find a therapist trained in Somatic Experiencing®⁶ go to: traumahealing.org

• Here is a list of experts in the field of somatic integration. As I’ve studied and read material from some of these individuals they have given me HOPE that I can heal the symptoms that I experience. NICABM Experts

• The specific manual and workbook that I have used through my recovery. It is based of the principals of the AAA recovery program: Addiction Recovery Program

Questions for Self Inquiry

• If you look at the list of NICABM Experts is there a face that looks familiar to you?

• Can you trust this person?

• Is there something you can do to learn more about them? Maybe look up their website. OR reserve a book from the library written by that individual? Possibly follow them on a social media platform?

Sources

1. Shame: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shame; Genesis 2:25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.[↩]
2. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cleave[↩]
3. Jennifer Finlason-Fife further explains this concept: “There’s a lot of people having a lot of sex that aren’t at all integrated with their sexuality. So having sex and being integrated are two different things, although, there are probably limits in how much you can learn to love about your sexuality if you’re not in a partnered experience.” Finlayson-fife, Jennifer, Developing Sexual Wholeness, Restore: A Faith Matters Gathering, October 7, 2022, Salt Lake City, UT, interview[↩]
4. Stock Photos from Pexels.com[↩]
5. Google Dictionary Source[↩]
6. Peter A Levine, Ph.D., is the developer of Somatic Experiencing®, a naturalistic and neurobiological approach to healing trauma, which he has developed over the past 50 years. Source: https://www.somaticexperiencing.com/about-peter[↩][↩]