How AAA Recovery Helped Me Connect to My Body
Roots and Truth
Continued from this blog post: The Process of Cleaving
My Complex PTSD symptoms started showing when we were asked to stay home to avoid spreading the Corona virus that was circulating. My physical reaction to this situation were scary. My body was responding in ways it hadn’t reacted before. Not only was I in pain, a problem that had persisted for nine years now, but I felt my privacy being invaded too. I didn’t have the nine hours a day to “escape” or “avoid” my relationships like I had previously.
It was hard to not have my own space during the day. Being a stay at home mom, when the kids were at school I was used to having time for self care. I often used sleep as an escape. But now there was another adult at home—all of the time.
I leaned into what I knew about somatic therapy at the time. If my body when into a “true state a freeze” (this usually feels like an anxiety attack) then I would curl up and hold myself in a ball until the feeling would pass. This felt safe to me. The fetal position was a space of self comfort.
Because I couldn’t hide for hours anymore. I needed to start explaining how I was feeling, my husband was home so now he was a witness to what was actually happening to my body.
At the time when the whole world workspace shifted, and Curtis started working from home, I didn’t know what to do about my symptoms. I had been to the doctor, again, no signs of anything. I was well therapised. Because of Covid, I was now doing therapy over Zoom. I tried going to an AAA group, but of course that had switched so the meetings could be held over Zoom. (I wasn’t interested in connecting that way. I wanted to see real people, and have face to face connection, especially through the initial meeting.)
So I started talking. I started sharing my real feelings–things that were hard to share.
It was hard to say, “I am not happy in this marriage,” while tears are rolling down my cheeks.
It was a shifting place for both of us. And we clearly could see that we still had a loads of change ahead.
More About the Somatic Therapy Approach
There are two ways of regulating (or returning to a safe place) that are taught in somatic experiencing. Number one, Self regulation. When the person knows what they need to regulate, and work towards healthy ways of returning to a safe place.
Number two, co-regulation. Using another as you feel into a space of safety. Examples of co-regulation: talking to a friend, receiving a hug, sitting with and stroking an animal, like a cat or a dog.
It is important to learn how to use both. Our human experience is full and vibrant as we invite others into our special space!
Next I Took Small Actionable Steps
The first thing I did was buy an AAA booklet that I wanted to work through. After I bought the book considered doing the process by myself. I knew it would work better if someone held me accountable.
I am a private swim teacher by trade. One of my swim moms, is a therapist. I called her and asked her if she would mentor me through my AAA workbook. She agreed!
If I was suck on a step, or didn’t understand how to move through my feelings I would call her and ask her questions. I made sure to update her on my progress. She was generous with her time and I trusted her.
Curtis made changes too. He recognized that there was a different role that he needed to play. He started leading conversations about how he felt about the changes that were being made in our home. Our conversations changed. They became more flexible, as we honored what the other was saying.
It is important to mention that he felt the pressure of my condition. It often weighed him down too. He didn’t know how to navigate all of the change.
The next seismic shift that happened in our marriage, was a positive pregnancy test! We realized this in August of 2020. Wow, this was a happy little surprise; a welcome gift! (I’ll share more of that story another time!!)
Now for an analogy! Do you remember in grade school when a captain of a team was appointed? The captain’s job was to select players to join their kickball team, or dodgeball team (or whatever team depending on the game you were playing).
Pregnancy quickly put me into a captain role again. I needed a team to help me through this pregnancy, AND I choose to have Curtis on my team. I was the captain and I was happy to select him the first teammate.
Why? Because I had been telling him MY truth, and he believed me.
Remember the Word “Cleave”
I don’t think that I’m alone when I think of the spring in 2020 and I remember seeing so many things literally “cleaved” out of our lives in one week. And then, our family was asked to stick together.
During these extremes we all had to face tension that may have been accumulating, but weren’t going to topple over unless poked. Staying home, all day—with everyone for the first time was a challenge for all of us in our household!
As I summarize this story, I think about the resilience that was also building. I can now look back and see this beneficial change.
Working through my AAA book surprisingly helped heal the wounds created from the trauma that happened during my first son’s birth. (You can read more his birth in this post.) It not only helped me put a name to my shame, but it led me to stop hiding from what was happening to my body, and actually trying to put words to these symptoms.
As I became more self aware, talking to my husband about how I was really feeling was crucial to getting him on my team.
Then having a surprise-gifted pregnancy was life changing for everyone involved. And through all of these things I have more clarity. That’s what believing you body does—it provides the gift of clarity that helps clear shame.
I found out about my pregnancy in August 2020. Although it was welcome, I didn’t know physically how I would pass through pregnancy. I was still experiencing extreme chronic pain, indigestion and bloating.
In spite of all of that, we consciously chose to be hopeful throughout the pregnancy. I gave birth our happy baby girl, in April of 2021.
After my 28 day cleanse I miraculously received a contrasting gift of physical healing. My muscles began to grow and repair. The minerals that I had consumed were healing damaged nerves that had created my fibromyalgia. Through this healing my nerves tingled for weeks. It was physically uncomfortable. It felt like needles pricking.
But as the nerve damage healed, the muscles began to grow—they had the communication channel again! I gained 10 pounds in muscle, in five weeks following my cleanse!
Definitions and Resources
Somatic: relating to the body, especially as distinct from the mind. 2
Learning about Somatic Experiencing®3 has been a blessing for me this past year. It was something that I could feel into. It assisted me with more language and tool to resource during or after the anxiety attacks that i was experiencing!
I have compiled a resource page for therapist in the Somatic Therapy field on this link:
Sources
- The specific manual and workbook that I have used through my recovery. It is based of the principals of the AAA recovery program: Addiction Recovery Program
