Healing: An Inner Story Of Grief
Roots and Truth
In your story are there times where someone has been taken from you? Maybe your partner left, or someone you were close to passed unexpectedly?
These are sensitive periods in life, that internally speak meaning. They are swift kicks of reality that change is inevitable. They are reminders that we can’t control others.
And these experiences are also invitations into grief. If we love, it is true that loss will come.
Understanding and acknowledging grief in my own story has been critical to my healing. Please read along with me as I explain the rawness of grief I have experienced.
I believe that I have been invited into my grief because of my chronic pain.
I believe that there is actually unexplained causes behind the pain. As I’ve uncovered those causes (explored more here in this post: The Body Keeps Score) I grieve the health that was lost in my past. I also grieve that no one helped me through those hard days during my childhood that I felt lost and all alone because that loneliness is again showing up in my life.
As you read, understand that I am not an expert in psychology. I record my experiences because I truly believe that if as we humans explore, our own stories, it can help heal and restore our bodies. With this said I invite you to receive the part of my story that lasted for years.
And this feeling of being alone, needs to be felt within my body. So much of grief is physical—physical symptoms, shaking and curling into the fetal position are examples
At the end of this post there is an unexpected gift I received after I had written this very piece about my grief. It was confirmation to me that grieving makes space for beauty to arrive.
Recently, I received the term, The Dark Night of the Soul, from a book that I have been reading, The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker. It gave a name for the abandonment grief that I have been experiencing for about two years now. This is the explanation behind the phrase:
“Perhaps the most difficult experience of recovery is what some survivors experience as a tidal wave of grief—a prolonged plunge into emotional pain in which grieving can only procure brief respites from hurt. Some therapists call the first long immersion in the grief-full re-experiencing of childhood pain the dark night of the soul; others call it the abandonment depression…” 1
I was fully expecting to feel the abandonment grief last year when I acknowledged publicly, in the class that I had been taking, that I was left alone as an “orphaned child” — trying to navigate the world alone because I don’t feel like there was a responsible adult to guid me through emotional interruptions.
I very much connected with the story of Matilda. In this humorous fictional story, it takes the reader through the life events of a child who has two parents physically present in the home, but they are so caught up in their image that she was left alone to figure life out. I like her sassy attitude as she learns to pay them back with her brilliant mind and internal fire, anger and healthy rebellion!
As I recognized my residence with this story, and as I read more about Complex PTSD, I realized that my parents weren’t there for me when I was crying. I don’t remember them sitting with me while I was yelling (as a small child). As a child I did not rebel, but as an adult I recognized that I didn’t want to keep up with the patterns that had been modeled to me. I needed to let their patterns go, in order to invite new ways of being.
Boldly I will say, stifled emotions lead to my disease (like my chronic pain).
For months I have been sad for myself because of the way those around me related (or didn’t relate) to me during my childhood.
This week as I have experienced grief I have found out that the deeper I fall into the feelings of betrayal and lack of love that I have experienced, I feel an even deeper pain. In this experience I feel like I’m isolating again from my current family. (I have a husband and three kids.)
That grieves me as well.
I desire to be present for my children.
So in this narrative I will try to describe the heartache and tears that I felt as I have walked away from my family of origin and end with my desire to surrender, if that be God’s will, I am willing.
Again, a quote from Pete Walker, from the same book, The Tao of Fully Feeling.
“The most difficult task in navigating the dark night of the soul, and in becoming effective grievers in general, is fully surrendering to our grief. I call this surrender bottoming out. Bottoming out occurs when we finally stop struggling against our painful feelings and let them wash over us.” 1
If you are struggling with grief I invite you into a more open and honest journey of what this transition may teach you. I’ve made a list of tools here:
An experience that I have had the last six weeks is to witness the other side of grieving. To comfort another with the feelings of depression during their loss.
Witnessing the Grief
Recently I had a sibling that experienced a loss that was heavy in it’s nature. They shared it with our parents and siblings and their neighbors. The outpouring of love that they received in this period of pain, was heartwarming. It was also a challenge for me to be a witness to.
My wish, for years is that I could share some of my pain with my siblings, but their perspective on how we were raised was different then mine.
Early in my journey I tried to share some of the things that I was experiencing, and it just made me look the like the crazy-angry sibling. A few years later I tried aproaching it with a more logical view and the opposing side ended up angry. I don’t want to pit myself against my siblings, so I just let it be, and decided that I would continue this journey alone. I honor that we each have a different perspective around our childhood and we each have different awareness about our dysfunction (my parents included).
Because of this, the Dark Night has left me feeling even more abandoned.
My body and the discovery of the root cause of my pain created the invitation into ACCEPTANCE, and into GRIEF.
In my community, many haven’t known where to meet me. Also I have been exploring my story for a decade. How can anyone possible keep up with how much discovery I have made since I started therapy.
Here I will restate my loss clearer: My loss was to let go of my parents, in order to let go of the programming that I was no longer serving me.
To allow them to change with me would be ideal, but for me that was not my reality.
As I recently witnessed my family member suffer loss, I went to visit them. During my first visit I witnessed large vases of flowers displayed through out there home. The flowers were gifts from family members and neighbors. When I stepped on their porch during my second visit there was a package for them with treats and cards. They continued to receive notes of condolences and packages and more flowers in the weeks following the loss. Their grief was met by hours of service and words of love.
It was acknowledged by many.
My loss has not been met with any of those things. It truly has been lonely.
The grief that I go through, in waves, because of a lack of instability is,
I thought that I have grieved this already. Will this grief last forever?
And then I remember the spiritual principle that I hold as truth in my body:
I want to feel life fully! I don’t want to walk through life, half numb.
So I continued to grieve.
As I vacillate between these two feelings this truth from Carl Jung is confirmed.
“The most repressed and denied aspects of our soul…(are) often the treasure that lies buried in the darkness.”
A Beautiful Resolution
I received a note from my sibling that experienced loss last week. It was four months after loss, so the loss still feels raw and BIG. This was what one line from the note said:
“I’m sorry if I didn’t/haven’t honored your grief journey. I love you and I am grateful to you.”
As I witnessed that outpouring of love sent to them during their initial grief stage, there wasn’t jealousy, per say. Just a feeling of being awake at night, all alone. There wasn’t a lot of comfort given, and I’ve been in and out of grief from the instances in my childhood for approximately seven years now.
This simple note meant the world to me. And I am grateful for how it mediated my feelings. I feel so much more peace flooding my heart and soul.
Accepting Truth
What a treasure that note was for me. Back to Jung’s Quote:
“The most repressed and denied aspects of our soul…(are) often the treasure that lies buried in the darkness.”
In accepting this as truth I would like to add to my list a few things that I treasure.
- I treasure my ability to feel the truth (as I grieve), and in so doing I am connecting with my body’s sensations with deeper feeling. The more connection, the deeper excitement and joy are felt. That is how surrender happens as well, it is a willingness to let go of what is happening with the experience that is happening with my body.
2. Nothing has ever been more alive for me, then birthing my last baby!
The divine timing, the weather changes allowed her to come that day. The beautiful room I delivered her in. Curtis and I often use her birth as a reference point for spirituality as we try to understand the role of the feminine and masculine. We used humor as we experienced the waves throughout that day. The circumstances were ideal, even in the midst of imperfection. This creation process worked in me, and for me and my husband that beautiful April day.
I’m in the process of discovering what organizations are working for me, as a gift and a blessing, and which ones I should let go of. 3. Without the signals from my body I wouldn’t understand God’s working inside of me.
One more thought before I continue on with mothering and care tending to my body.
Truth Is Sent to Us By Those Around Us
Weston, my second child, keeps yelling at me that he hates me in super dramatic ways. I interpret that statement in multiple ways.
- He wants to bug me, so maybe I’ll give him what he needs.
- It is his way of angering and letting out emotion.
- He’s testing the unconditional love concept.
- He’s telling me what I need to hear because it is what is happening inside of me and he usually speaks out loud those feelings that I am feeling inside of my body. (This concept is BIG, if you choose as a parent to listen!!)
Giving My Symptoms Shine Time
When experiencing grief an advanced step is to realize what physical movements your body is makeing. Where is there physical pain?
What do these sensations feel like?
My answer: Shame often enters into my back, horizontally, in line with my arms. If I could put symbolism behind it, the visual cue comes that I am likely to hang myself because I don’t know how to deal with my shame.
If you are dealing with chronic pain or a condition that can’t be explained, I feel you, and I’m sorry.
Where is more of your story? Are you exploring it, maybe keeping a journal? I would love to hear from you. My personal email address is cami@rootsandtruth.com
With a lighter heart, and sharing love,
Sincerely,
