3 Reasons Why Modesty Conditioning Was Hurtful to My Health
Roots and Truth
I remember it clearly…
It was warm and balmy outside—the middle of the afternoon. I was walking past the sweetest sugar-plum fairy house that is on my street. The steep-peaked-red-bricked perfect-sized house with white lattice in the yard was laced with spring-green ivy.
It was the end of May. The perfect season to lay by the lake and start staying up late with friends because the sun stays up late with you.
As I was walking, I had this panic rush over me. Put your shirt back on. Your mom will see.
I quickly swung my school bag around to the front of my body and pulled out the shirt I had left home in earlier that day. Chills alongside scared vibrations webbed from my heart down into the center of my gut. I had just put my school bag on my back, when I saw my mom’s car move from the top of the hill down to where I was standing. She pulled over to pick me up.
Phew!!! I felt relieved. I had put my t-shirt back on, right on time!
I climbed into the car and we pulled away from the curb.
Another Time…
Around a year later, I was at a girl friend’s house. We were sitting in her room, and started to go through her closet looking at her clothes. She handed me a corral sleeveless shirt and I tried it on. It fit perfectly, and was so flattering. I wore it all afternoon.
While I was hanging out that afternoon, my friend’s mom needed to go to the high school to pick up some papers. We jumped in the car and when we got to the high school, we walked in with her. As we were leaving one of the teachers (who is friends with my mom, and who also lived in our neighborhood and attended church with us) was walking into the front doors of the high school.
A nervous energy flashed through my mind and sent chills down the back of my spine. Would she tell my mom that I had a tank top on?
These memories, along with the panicky need to change or hide my clothing are engraved in my mind a only these two times. The web of reactive lines that move from the front of my chest in an effort to calm my insides, forcing me to play it cool and collected, still resides in my body every time these stories come into my mind.
But Why?
Here’s more of the story of the day when my mom picked me up on my walk home that beautiful day in May.
That same morning I had prepared to take a tank top to school. I pulled one from my older sister’s room. She slept downstairs and I went to her room often to borrow clothes.
I pulled a white tank of her shelf. It was a white “wife-beater” (such an awful name, but that’s what we called them in the late 90’s, early 2000’s.) It was the stretchy-ribbed tank that you could buy in a four pack at Wal-Mart for $10. I’m fairly sure my sister had purchased the pack so she could wear a tank to the lake over her swimming suit.
I put the tank in my backpack, and went to school. It was the last week of seventh grade. My birthday is in April, so I had just turned 13 a few weeks before.
The last week of school was filled with fun activities and field day was an annual event where each student could sign up to compete in a race if they desired. I signed up for a few sprints and the high jump. I enjoyed running at the time, and I would have definitely labeled myself as being quiet competitive!
Sometime between the transfer from my home room school class, to the track, I went into the bathroom and put my white-ribbed tank on.
It was trendy for the “cool” girls to break dress code the day of the track meet. Even though we did have a strict dress code that consisted of wearing shirts with cap sleeves (or longer) at school. If shorts and skirts were worn, they had to be longer then a girl’s fingertips, if they held their hands to their side.
On field day, none of the school officials cared about the dress code. It was hot outside and a majority of the students were competing in multiple events throughout the day in their athletic clothing.
The shorts I was wearing weren’t as big of a deal, but the tank. That sneaky tank top had my brain ringing with shame.
But why?
A lot of this post is written around the feelings that I had in my early childhood years and how it has affected me.
Rushed,
Sneaky,
What happens if what I do is not approved?
I can’t place a time-line on when the radar started ringing that I couldn’t wear tank tops or sleeveless tops.
As I track my memories, I am remembering my 18 year old sister going out with friends with an adorable white-mini skirt on when I was home from college on the weekend. She stormed back into the bedroom that we were sharing…fuming!
My dad had commented to her that she would “not be leaving the house that way”.
(This happened years after the story that I am sharing. I had never crossed that line when I was in his house. Except when I played volleyball and wore spandex. I felt that he hated, but tolerated that.)
From my young childhood, I remember my mother putting a white gerber onzie on underneath all the babies’ church dresses if they didn’t have a cap sleeve.
I never saw my mother or father wear a sleeveless shirt. Swimming suits were acceptable, but only if it was a one piece suit.
As I was being raised, “dress modestly” was a key phrase used at church and at home. (Obviously the idea was learned at school too, if there was such a strict dress code.)
Modest dress was discussed in my home, even if distinct lines weren’t made—we knew. No stomach showing, no shoulders showing and no short shorts.
This Conditioning Leads to Judgement
With all this said, clothes were very important to me. I loved curating my look! “Flowers and bright sunshines”; that’s how I would have described my style when I was young! But I made sure my look fit the lines that were generally assumed by my family of origin.
Through a honest lens of envy, I believe I was brought up to judge others who DID wear tanks and two piece swimming suits. Especially those who attended church and should have “known better”.
I feel so sad for those younger parts of me who saw what they were wearing and wished that I didn’t belong to the family that didn’t let me wear tanks and two piece swimming suits.
Questioning
I do believe, I was conditioned from a young age, to develop beliefs behind being seen:
>>>If i’m not able to be seen—maybe being seen is a bad thing.
AND
>>>To the contrary: NOT one baby coming out of the whom is a “bad thing”. And they all come out naked!
It’s the conditioning. Using a simple word, it’s “shameful” to be seen—sitting with something that should be wrong, but isn’t wrong, and feeling the uncomfortability in that space by questioning: what’s so wrong with how I was raised?
Here’s the thing about defining “right” and “wrong”. We can state that something feels “right” through logic.
My parents and members of the community used logic to explain why we should dress modestly.
(I continue this thought in a blog post where I define what modesty means from a biblical stand point. This post is linked here:)
As I’ve tracked and remembered how modesty conditions has been held in my body, it feels so wrong to not ever feel comfortable wearing a tank top around my own home–a place where I should have felt safe and secure to live in my body.
As a conclusion to my story I have made a list of 3 ways I can tie this conditioning to how it has affected my physical health.
Three Ways Why Modest Conditioning Was Hurtful to My Body
In my stories above, I mentioned that
- Most of the time I didn’t cross the line of dressing immodestly. I wore tank tops and shorts when participating in a team sport (like a volleyball uniform during a game).
- The main theme shared was my fear to be seen by my parents, if I was wearing a tank top.
These stories happened 25 years ago. So why would I share them now, or return to them now?
My body is asking that I tolerate writing them and feeling those same feelings that I felt 25 years ago.
It is a practice to become more embodied.
If you would like to learn more about embodiment and returning to one’s self, primarily to aid and assist in healing, here’s an article that defines what embodied means more clearly, and gives next steps.
The Body Holds the Healing: Support[ing] a healthy relationship with our bodies.
As I wrote these stories I began to lean into what I was feeling as I wrote.
The messages that I am receiving through my body—through questioning and learning are profound. Listening to the body and decoding what I am receiving is kind and honoring. So with grace I share the three ways that being conditioned around modest dressing has impacted my body.
I labeled what my fear did to my body in the first section of this post. Connections from my fear to be seen rebelling “webbed from my heart down into the center of my gut”. This webbing is not only emotional, but it starts to pull one’s frame down.
Think about the phrase, “He looked like he was carrying a heavy load,” when you see someone weighed down. It is how we often describe someone that is having a hard time in their life. These “heavy loads”, when carried for long periods of time, tend to impact posture.
I have also had, what I call, anxiety stomachaches the majority of my life. There is now researched-backed science of how being nervous so much of the time can indeed affect gut health. (PubMed Source, 2023, see fig 3)Did this one example, of not feeling freedom, create all of the stomach aches that I have had. No.
But I do believe that the fluttering and the uneasy feeling in my gut, that I shared in my stories, have contributed to my stomach aches.
Spirituality to me is honoring and loving who I was designed to be. It takes a lot of trial and error and learning to really make this discovery.
In my case spiritual abuse occurred when authoritarians dictated the rules that I believed that I should follow. I didn’t formulate a lot of questions in my adolescence or teenage years. But as a observant individual, I also viewed that when authoritarians are questioned, the questioner isn’t met with love or is not validated in how they really feel. These are the observations that I viewed as I am attempting to define spiritual abuse.
In church it is often taught that a women should not burden a man with lustful thoughts. There is a message portrayed that if a women covers her body up, then this helps a man control his lustful thoughts.
But why would God ever put a women in charge of what a man is thinking, if the man (in this case) is supposed to be in charge?
(I did grow up going to a church where the men were the main leaders.)
As I was trying to link wear the idea came from that I was not allowed to show my shoulders, my legs, or my stomach, mostly I could track those ideas from the feelings of fear that I felt inside of my body.
One thing could have helped balance the role of the authoritarian that I had in my home, would have been simply asked what I felt about what I was wearing. Do you feel like yourself it your clothing?
One of my frames of reference was after I left home I heard my dad say to my sister. “You are not leaving the house dressed that way.” There was no regard of her feelings. There were no follow up discussions. There was no opinion that was held on her side. He was in charge. The threat of her teenage experimentation and curiosity, I imagine felt too BIG to confront.
Spirituality comes within the balance of holding the view of many different opinions. Love always come with openness and a willingness to see things from more then one view.
Authoritarianism doesn’t work that way.
I mentioned in one of my stories that I hoped that one of my mom’s friends (the teacher at the high school) wouldn’t mention to my mom that I had worn a sleeveless shirt out in public. With this one example, let me explain how this example indicates ways that my brain worked that weren’t helpful to me.
- I doubt that my mom’s friend (the teacher) didn’t think anything about the way I was dressed. She works with teenagers testing boundaries everyday. In my point of view, with a fearful lens my experience illustrates more from a frame of reference that the world revolves around me. Really it is a narcissistic way of thinking if you look at it this way. Fear narrow’s a person’s view and orientation with the people around them.
2. I was fearing that my mom would find out, and that would threaten my sense of safety. So interesting that safety resides in following the rules within a specific box. Living strict cultural rules like these also create this box. Boxes that we orient to when young divide the brain into categories and create polarization.
Polarization is the opposite of integration. Integration is taking different information and seeing if you can link them in some way. Linking helps connect and link the left and right brain hemisphere and hopefully helps a person orient to the world in a healthier, more inclusive, loving way.
3. The interesting think about “not having mom find out that I wore a sleeveless shirt” is, I don’t even think that my mom cared about that rule as much as I think my dad did. But it was never voiced in this way by mom. Also she never bought us clothing that would show our shoulders, stomach, or too much of our legs.
There clearly here is a lack of communication, because I don’t even know what my mom believes about this subject.
I think the rule keeper is dad. And when you follow the “authoritarian”, then eventually it changes the orientation that you hold with God. I do believe following good principals. But seeing God as the rule maker and the enforcer if the rules are broken, is not the loving God that I now know.
Final Thoughts
I’m curious about your story. I think every woman (and maybe man) could relate to the subject of modesty in a different way. The way that modesty is describes through a Judeo-Christian frame of reference is often linked to dress. Originally I believe it was linked to riches and vanity. Modesty was not showing off because of the wealth that you had received.
I define the idea of religious dress in this post:
3 Questions I Had Regarding My Body
I’m curious…
How to you orient to covering up your body?
I do believe what I wrote here is more philosophical, and it doesn’t begin to touch the message of personal value that each nation, religion, and individual might uphold. This is why I am curious about your story!
Thank you for sharing my story with me, and being here in this unique space!
Love,
These stories illustrate the webs of fear laced through my body. (Or a fear of making a mistake.) If you have been dealing with symptoms related to fear from your childhood I recommend working with someone that is trained in this work.
If you’re looking for someone, I have made a list of resources here:
Sources
“Once individuals begin to identify uncomfortable sensations that naturally result in withdrawal, avoidance, or activation, the process of introducing embodied moments becomes possible.”
Quote from:
The Body Holds the Healing:
Embodiment is a capacity that supports a healthy relationship with our bodies. 1
Photos: Pexels.com, Canva.com, Michele Lee Photography
- Malchiodi, Cathy PhD, 2022, Phycology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/arts-and-health/202212/the-body-holds-the-healing[↩]
