3 Questions I Had Regarding My Body
Roots and Truth
There is complexity around figuring the modesty thing out, because I don’t remember my parents saying, “In this house we don’t ever wear tank tops, short shorts, or show our tummies. A lot of this was left for the brain to figure out, by observing the passive aggressive short phrases like, “You better go change before you walk out that door.”
Or an uncomfortable finger touch on the back when the back of the shirt was too short.
This post in a continuation of a post that I wrote called Breaking Down “Modesty”. I continue with questions that were left unexplored because they were never asked…
…until now!
Missed Conversations
Below there are three questions that I have around modesty and how to relates to a female’s orientation of their body. (Sorry, I’m not trying to exclude anybody. Because of my sexual orientation, this is where the realm of my experience lies.)
This is a way that I am reparenting myself. Asking my questions now in my mid-thirties, and answering for myself. This is tricky, because everyone experiences the orientation that they have with their body in a unique way. My questions began as I wrote my story down in the post linked here:
My Personal Story Around Modesty
After writing my story, the first question that I had is:
In my home of origin, these conversations weren’t held around choices or opinions.
I also observed what was displayed. My parents never wore these things, so I guess it was expected that we wouldn’t wear them either. I don’t even remember asking for my mom to buy me shorts. I bought my shorts for basketball with my own money, while I was shopping with friends.
The shorts that I felt that I had to wear on a casual summer day were just above my knees.
The forward facing conversations, that I remember having at home, led with how to protect the body, verses celebrating what a gift it is to have a body.
In this culture that I was raised in, it still feels like a curse to have beautiful skin or a pretty face. Those things in my household of origin felt like a curse. The underlying message being: having a beautiful body can only lead to trouble.
These underlying messages were subtle, but the way that the body and clothing were spoken about (by my dad especially) was laced with a message that, “It isn’t safe to be seen”.
I don’t know how this message was passed down. But I am naming it now, and this invisible cloak, the curse that I mentioned above, feels celebrated in the religious community.
Shame is an interesting phenomenon felt inside the body. It has this inner narrative of “I want to be seen, and my safety of being accepted and loved may be threatened, so I no longer want to be seen.”
(I define shame better in this vlog that I created: Resourcing Safety in the Body While Feeling Shame)
In the story that I shared in this blog post, there is a sense of relief after I put my t-shirt back on, just as mom drove down the hill to pick me up. In my body I felt a real threat of rejection if she would have seen me with a tank top on.
As a 13 year old girl, I needed a mother who would take care of my basic needs, so I didn’t want to introduce this (very real threat to my nervous system) by breaking the rules in front of my mom.
I was totally relieved when my mom didn’t see me with a tank top on.
Feeling into Story
In my twenties and thirties, as I was dealing with chronic pain, I started to feel these very real sensations present in my body. It was helpful to start naming how the tightening in my body felt to me. With a name, I was able to attach a story to the hypervigilance that I felt I had to respond to, within this narrative.
Cathy Malchiodi PhD wrote a great article on receiving messages from the body in order to feel like you can have freedom inside it again. (The article is linked below.) Dr. Malchiodi says:
“Once individuals begin to identify uncomfortable sensations that naturally result in withdrawal, avoidance, or activation, the process of introducing embodied moments becomes possible.” 1
I desire embodied moments. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I remember that feeling of embodiment from when I was very young, before picking up on all the dress modestly conditioning.
I go more into this desired feeling in this post:
All these thoughts lead to the next question:
I researched a little bit about modesty in religious practice as I was trying to recount my own story. This is a definition that I am using off of wikipedia.
The term modest fashion or modest dressing refers to a fashion trend in women of wearing less skin-revealing clothes, especially in a way that satisfies their spiritual and stylistic requirements for reasons of faith, religion or personal preference. The exact interpretation of ‘modest’ varies across cultures and countries. There is no unambiguous interpretation as it is influenced by socio-cultural characteristics of each country. Beyond the various interpretations, all agree on the idea that modest fashion means loose clothing, comfortable dressing and covering of the body according to person’s own comfort. 2
Wikipedia also goes on to explain that some women who dress in accordance to their modern standards feel empowerment from it.
I grew up in a christian religion that reads the bible. In the last few months I have discovered more what modesty means as it is referenced in the bible. In this post:
Modesty in Biblical Context, I dive into it’s true meaning, and how it’s meaning has been turned.
This has been helpful for me to explore and redefine for my own personal healing. The shame that I have held behind this subject of “modesty” didn’t feel right within my body. I knew that I had to feel something new, in order to step into a new narrative that felt more human and in harmony with my body. That is why I started asking myself questions about the shame that I was feeling in my body.
I’m Wondering
What has your experience been with feeling comfortable in your own skin. I know this is a loaded question, but every story is not like mine, AND I believe everyone has a different narrative within this specific subject.
Thanks for exploring your own story with me by your side!!
Additional reading:
The Body Holds the Healing
Embodiment is a capacity that supports a healthy relationship with our bodies.
