The Uncanniness of Spiritual Abuse
Roots and Truth
Links to Resources at the Bottom of this Page
I sat down to write this post this morning. It is about spirituality, and as I was writing, my son Weston (who is 10) ran upstairs during a school break. (He does school online.)
“Mom! You want to go on a walk outside? It’s Snowing!!”
It has been an unusaully warm winter, here, where we live in Utah. It’s mid-Febuary, and today the snow finally started falling and sticking to the ground.
As we were walking on the long path behind our home, he instinctively started walking in the prints that I had left behind.
He was walking my path.
Instinctively walking in my footsteps.
And I knew that this was were I needed to start writing. I needed to name and normalize — no matter our upbringing. We all were affected by our parent’s paths. If you grew up in a home where prayer or ritual was normalized, this is part of your story.
If you grew up in a home where the TV screen was a day time, evening and meal-time ritual, this is still something to notice in your upbringing.
If you grew up feral, but with the land. Again, this is part of your story.
I’m thinking about those of you, who grew up in the city, being shuffled from home to daycare daily. What were your weekends like? Did your parents connect with you? Did they find time to go on meaningful vacations or take you to church on Sunday morning?
The ways in which we formed a connection with heaven or earth is available to us, within some of our stories. Maybe some of us are lacking a sense of connection within those memories.
It is important to know that we each initially followed care-givers down their path for some time, until we begin to question their path. Questioning if the path they chose, is still the same one that you want to follow?
With all this said, let’s take a closer look into what spirituality actually means.
Spirituality: A Few Core Themes
Spirituality encapsulates a few core themes, the first being connection.
Connection with a higher power, a purpose, other people, or nature.
This connection to that power, or nature, or one another should then be “grounded in love and compassion“. 1
The second theme of spirituality being presented, is love and compassion.
The love that we have for others can create meaning as we sit with them through celebration or discouraging days. Love grows if we have the tolerance to be with another through the ups and the downs. That same sense of love can grown with an animal, like a pet. Love can manifest its self in the ways we show respect for the earth as we compassionately spend time it and enjoy it.
And lastly, an understanding how to access a state of Presence or pure consciousness
will always enhance a spiritual practice.
(Living consciously is to be present in the here and now, and within our own body.) 2
Within naming and discovering spirituality, let us begin to name were we feel present and at peace.
An example of this is, to think of someone who can tolerate us on the good and bad days?
Another example comes as we answer this question: If you could spend one day, any place in the world, where would that be?
Looping Around to Spiritual Abuse
As I am reflecting on my upbringing in church, I was given vocabulary around a higher power that I should resource and look to. He was a source of all that is good. Titles like “Father in Heaven” or “God” were added to my vocabulary. But this unknown heavenly-source seems to live in beauty–up in the clouds and couldn’t carry me or hug me in a physical form like my earthy father could.
My human father is who I physically started putting my trust in. He was the source of home and paid for the food that I ate. He gave me shoulder rides and rubbed my back at bed time. I was given vocabulary to pray and learn trust in God, but in real-time, I put my trust in my Dad.
There’s a odd comparison to a perfect being that lives in the cloud, and cannot be removed. And then as a child being asked to put full trust in an imperfect human, that I could see with my eyes and hear his words.
Conversely to communicate with the man upstairs, (God), I was supposed to use the holy sprit within me. I was taught that His “Spirit” was connected to my earthy body.
Think about that again. I was asked to trust in something that I couldn’t see. But still communicate with Him through the spirit or soul inside my body.
As I think about it now, I question, why was God taught as a removed being? Why was this language allow?
Here’s the Thing
It is hard to divide the two in the psychological mind. The two meaning:
- An all perfect-loving God, that feels removed, but a part of him lives within (spirit or soul)
- A human caretaker who often has forgotten what loves feel like because they are working so hard to take care of all of the physical needs.
There’s an uncanny nature to all of this. The uncanny is the psychological experience of an event or thing that is unsettling in a way that feels oddly familiar, rather than simply mysterious. 3
The way that I understand spirituality now, is a beautiful merger that happened with the body and the Devine. I succeed in resourcing both my body as it signals me. And the spirit that guides and lives inside of me. There’s not some mystery in the clouds. But the beauty and majesty lives inside of me. It also manifests as things play out more beautifully in my life.
The power struggle that religion introduces is that there is a big “Father” in charge. The leaders want an individual to outsource learning, and look to someone ABOVE. This in a very odd sense happens in the home. A child is meant to be led and obey their mom or dad.
In doing so a child is often led away from what their body knows and follows a parent’s lead.
The Disconnect
Powerful and controlling people or systems want there to be a higharchy in the system.
Think of that narrative, that “God is above you”.
Placement with someone above, and someone below keeps power systems alive and in control. There are countless ways that the underdog is motivated to live in this narrative.
Often we follow the lead from our parents to follow this narrative.
Physical control can be a coorersive incentive.
Removing trust from the body is an odd twist in this narrative.
I was chronically ill for six or seven years before I started remember the stories of how I was committed to dress in a certain way to gain approval and trust from my parents and religious community.
I wrote about it in this blog post:
The feelings of being removed from my body had me begin to investigate my story more thoroughly. I hired a trained Narrative Focused Trauma Care® coach and started reading the story that I linked above to her.
As I did, I listened to the signals that my body gave as I was reading it.
My body responded with tears in my eyes. Or pain in my chest around my heart. There was a certain pressure that I felt in my shoulders as I read about the incentive to stay under the suggested control.
If reading about spiritual abuse scares you, know that I’ve been there. But I would urge you to gently continue reading to increase your knowledge and vocabulary around this very subject.
An indicator to know if this information is affecting you, listen to your body that your spirit inhabits.
This really is one of the biggest tell tell signs that there is a spiritual disconnect with you body, is if you start to recognize sensations or symptoms.
Defining Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse can be described as a “lasting impact of experiences in religious or spiritual contexts that can lead to feelings of betrayal, shame, and disconnection from one’s authentic self.” 4
Spiritual abuse occurs within a structure or system, where an individual is exposed to, or experiences physical or emotional harm. This could have been inside a religious facility, during an organized activity, or even in conversations where the individual’s point of view was overlooked, or punished while questioning authority. 5
Individuals that are taught fear and shame, in the context of holding them accountable to the group’s rules or mandates, may be living with after effects of spiritual abuse. Children are susceptible to spiritual abuse. This can occurs when they are put in a position to participate in non-age appropriate acts. Side effects from these events create distancing from how they feel connected in their body. Later in life this distancing from the body may show up as: shaking in the body, chronic health conditions, feelings of hopelessness or unworthiness. 6
Emotions That Come Up in the Body
- unexpressed emotions and emotional numbing (substance abuse, self-harm behaviors, avoiding situations that bring about intense emotions, dissociation)
- Internalized shame and self-hate (“I’m not good enough.” “I’m unworthy.” “I’m a bad person.” “No one is ever going to love me.”)
- Fear of trusting one’s inner voice or body signals
Self-care is often labeled as selfish, creating disconnection from one’s own needs, boundaries, and intuition.
4. Isolation
Spiritual abuse often thrives in isolation. Members may be cut off from:
- Outside professionals (like therapists, doctors, or lawyers)
- Mainstream media or news
- Friends or family not involved in the group
In some cases, this is literal—communes, neighborhood “buyouts,” or closed compounds. But more often, it’s psychological isolation. Members are told the outside world is evil, untrustworthy, or dangerous.
This fear can make it incredibly difficult to leave—even when the group is harming them. Many people describe feeling intensely alone, scared, or “different” from the rest of the world. 7
experience and adds shame to their pain. Milhoan, Shelby LCPC: https://growwithshelby.com/signs-of-spiritual-abuse-part-ii/))
Healing Balm
Surrender
Telling the truth, around what you believe happened. But sharing these truths with someone outside of the system where the harm occurred.
“…survivors owe it to themselves to identify the specifics of their spiritual abuse so that they can free themselves from destructive beliefs and fears about God.
Grieving is usually necessary in working through spiritual obstacles to recovery. The ventilation of angry feelings about the despoilment of healthy self-interest helps us disidentify from destructive spiritual beliefs.” 8
Spirituality is
- Connection
- Love
- Being Present in the here and now
Healing is not ostersizing yourself for an unlimited amount of time. Spirituality and connectedness are a crucial part of a healthy life-style and way of living.
If one is never introduced to these concepts of spirituality, this is neglect by the parent as well.
Remember the footsteps at the beginning of this post. I have the opportunity to share what spirituality is with my children. I have the opportunity to ask daily, “Well, how is your body responding to this?”
We have vocabulary to label feelings and emotions. My children know that these feels are a part of the human experience.
I would like my son to see someone who is working on being more loving and more present in the home.
Resources
Youtube Video: Reorienting Yourself After Spiritual Abuse
Story Work Coach Directory: Narrative Focused Trauma Care®
Book Recommendation: Holy Hurt: Understanding Spiritual Trauma and the Process of Healing
- Brown, Berne, The Gifts of Imperfection, Hazelden, (2010) [↩]
- Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now, New World Library 1999[↩]
- Royle, Nicholas, The Uncanny: An Introduction, Routledge 2003[↩]
- McBride, H. (2025). Holy Hurt: A Theological and Psychological Exploration of Spiritual Trauma[↩]
- This form of abuse often shows up in spiritual bypassing—a way of using religious language to dismiss or avoid emotional truth…
…statements [that] may sound comforting on the surface…can also be used to shut down valid emotions or deny harm. When someone is told they’re “straying” for questioning doctrine or “not faithful enough” if prayers go unanswered, it invalidates their experience and adds shame to their pain. Milhoan, Shelby LCPC: https://growwithshelby.com/signs-of-spiritual-abuse-part-ii/[↩]
- https://www.norumpsychservices.com/resources/what-is-religious-and-spiritual-trauma#:~:text=Understanding%20Spiritual%20Trauma&text=Dr.,disconnection%20from%20one’s%20authentic%20self.[↩]
- Milhoan, Shelby LCPC: https://growwithshelby.com/signs-of-spiritual-abuse-part-i/#:~:text=Suppressed%20emotions%20and%20emotional%20numbing,but%20healing%20is%20absolutely%20possible.[↩]
- Walker, Pete, The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness Out of Blame, Azure Coyote 1995, 2nd edition 2015, pg200[↩]
