Self-Parenting: A Personal Story

I have some extended family that has always been a support to me since I moved away from home and went to college twenty years ago. This couple has invited me into their home for meals. The wife cut my hair free of charge for many years. They’ve taught me techniques and skills in gardening, and how to make your garden long-term food storage.

They invited my husband into the family with open arms. They have included us in many of their family parties. Over the course of twenty years I have made their traditions, my traditions, because of the ways that I have participated on holidays, with them.

When we started having children my parents lived in the desert of southern Utah, five hours away, and my husband’s family lived ten hours away in Northern California. We desired to stay in our home, and create memories with our children, in their own home, on Christmas morning. This is when we were invited to celebrate Christmas Eve with my extended family, that I have previously introduced.

We showed up on our first Christmas eve with Thai spring rolls, to share as an appetizer. We left almost six hours later, our arms full of luxurious gifts. The wife is a hairdresser so she gave salon-brand hair products to me, and my husband got man toys, like a remote control helicopter. Another family that attended, gifted us with plush blankets and gift cards. They were so excited to have little kids to buy for, our oldest son went home with multiple sets of legos. We were blessed, and a little overwhelmed.

Everyone at the party received as many presents as we had. And everyone who attended brought gifts to give. It was a tradition they had established. The hosts gave all their children’s presents to their children on Christmas Eve. This act was keeping in tradition with the way their father grew up, and the way that his father was raised. The tradition was established by my uncles father’s family. His grandfather was farmer and needed to tend to his animals every morning. Christmas day was no exception. So in order to spend Christmas with his family, and be present while they were opening their gifts, they gave and received gifts on Christmas Eve, instead of Christmas morning.

We did not know all this, and we were expecting to have dinner and sing some Christmas songs that evening. Because of their traditions the event was more meaningful and we were invited into a night full of rich family ties. The stories shared and the songs sung, pointed to the Christ-child. We witnessed each and felt the thoughtfulness and had emotion behind each ritual.

But we left feeling embarrassed that we hadn’t brought any gifts to share.

When we attended the party, the next year, we were ready! The Thai spring rolls were a hit the first time, so we brought those again. We also brought gifts for each adult and child that would be in attendance. Each year we continued their tradition, and we left each time with hundreds of dollars worth of gifts in hand.

We have been attending that party for over a decade now. And there was a point, a couple of years ago, where my health was in such a bad place, I considered not going anymore because it took too much energy to gather all of the gifts and wrap them during the month of December–on top of everything else I was doing for the holidays.

My argument to myself was that I wanted to spend time with our extended family, but the amount of gifts that we were buying and coming home with, I felt was getting out of hand. By the time we left their house we were bringing home enough gifts for the kids to satisfy them for Christmas day.

At this time my values were changing. Because my health condition had been rocky for years, I didn’t want very much stuff to pick up off the floor or to organize. I didn’t have the physical energy for it at all. Not everyone shared this same view of decluttering to maintain a more peaceful life-style. But it was a value that I was shifting to.

As I reconsidered going to the annual family Christmas Eve party, my kids were old enough that they were begging to go. It was a pattern for us, and part of our Christmas Eve memories. They kicked back on my idea of staying home.

I felt myself revolt against the party. Instead of gratitude I started complaining to my husband. I didn’t see the point of working so hard and spending so much money.

At one point I considered calling the host of the party and sharing my concerns with her. Opening up a conversation that I thought was valid and could bring relief to others at the party. (This gathering was close to 20 people most of the years that we were in attendance.)

It was bugging me so intensely! There were a couple years in a row that I had so much conflict about going or not going! Not knowing how to calm my inner anguish I sat with it in thought and in prayer. I gathered more information to relieve my mental clutter. What I realized was:

• We weren’t required to bring a gift. It was something that we started doing to join in with the spirit of giving that the party held.
• I never witnessed anyone else feeling overwhelmed because of the amount of gifts that they were giving and receiving.
• I recognized that my husband and I, as the adults in the household, could opt out, and not go to the party.

I recognized the judgement that I was in my psyche. I was judging the individuals at the party with my inner dialog. That I am not proud of. The specifics I will not record here, but I think it is important to write that self-righteousness and judgement were a part of the mental equation.

In order to clear the confusion that I was carrying, I needed to start re-evaluating my own behavior and my own thinking.

The question I come to now was: why was I complaining?

SELF PARENTING

Complaining can be an indicator that I needed clarity. I also believe that our development, and the ways that we handle conflicting feeling are developed in the early developmental years between the ages of zero to seven. This is when we are absorbing and taking in the information about how to handle conflict.

What if logical and emotional conflict were not handled correctly in those developmental years. We may be stuck in a cycle of being the complaining adult!

I wrote a blog post and sighted information to explain this very topic. You can find the post here:

In this linked blog post there is a free printable worksheet to guide you through a situation where you may need to logically process through a situation that you are trying to figure out in your own life!

How I Resolved My Inner Angst

In this story I recognized that going to this party felt overwhelming because of all the financial cost, mental load, and physical preparation that it was taking.

I realized that instead of showing gratitude, I was complaining about this party.

I was so caught in my own head, I didn’t know if others’ were sharing this experience as well.

Boundaries

I am an adult. I can talk to my spouse and we can make the call that we just aren’t going. It wasn’t aligned with our values of not bringing in more stuff into our home. This would be a boundary. An act that I am in control of.

For clarity, boundaries should be issued if there is a line being crossed of emotional or physical harm.

Validation

The self talk here says gently says: “You are in a healing phase. Your body hurts. You are allowed to rest. You do not have to do extra things.

“Healing phases also include receiving love from other people. Community with camaraderie can increase joy and whole-hearted living.

“Both can be true.

“And it is okay if it feels overwhelming.”

Empathy

In the end, as I sat with myself day after day and debated what I wanted to do, the answer came to me through a whisper.

“This is not your party.”

I needed to honor my family who began this wonderful tradition of giving. If that meant continuing, I didn’t need to call it out, judge or disagree. This answer brought peace. Regardless of if I choose to attend–I needed to stop complaining.

Conclusion

Often when we complain, there was something that we need to point out from our own childhood wounding. There are a lot of times in childhood where I did not get the validation that I needed to resolve conflict that my body is still feeling. I personally am working with a coach training in Narrative Focused Trauma Care. I have include a link to a directory of coached here in the link provided:

We did attend the party. I found more peace around our giving and receiving.

The real thing that I am lacking is a healthy body. Being held up in a body where I experience pain is not easy. And for that I can feel sad and sorry. Emotional pain is a real thing that I dialog around with myself often.

If you are willing to dialog with yourself in the past please check out this post where I source more information and share a free guide to help you through the process!

Feel free to share your experience with me!

Sincerely,

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Hi, I’m Cami

The creator of this blog. The stories that I am sharing help me navigate my inner dialog, eventually leading to inner change. Awareness is a key to behavioral change.

My goal is to invite other’s to look into their own story. I believe in your story there are so many nuggets that lead you where you need to go next in your healing!